Influence.

I Know I was under the influence,
but I said what I meant.

I mean, I already knew it was true,
but I'd never said it so directly.
So smoothly, fondly, solidly.

And I want to say it again,
but I won't.

it's so...confusing, frustrating, upsetting,
inconvenient, unfortunate.

I said it, yet I didn't say it at all.

homecoming

i want to come home
just to show it off.
i want to drive around
and point to landmarks in my head,
like the parking lot we went to
when we skipped youth group
and sat in a circle,
burning leaves, breathing in,
feeling and talking and knowing
far more than a speaker could ever tell us.
the diner where we left our secrets
on the table, next to french fries.

i want to come home,
bring a friend with me.
go back through the places
that made me who i am.
their houses, their basements,
their rooms and backyards.
firepits and back seats of cars.

i want to show you off.
put you on display.
like a trophy i never deserved,
that i found while i was lost.
when i say i want to come home,
i want to feel that feeling
of growing next to you.

Getting somewhere.

When I think of the future
I get scared,
Because I know what I want.
I know the possibilities
yet I'm here.

So far from letting go of myself
So far from making Them proud
So far from being content
so far from giving much of anything
to the world

I'm so indecisive that my doubt has consumed me
and now I am paralyzed where I stand.
and the possibilities are blurred,
unrecognizable.

So far from freedom.
so far from making them proud.
so far from being okay.
so far from keeping much of anything.

I am so tried of the future and goals and expectations.
I'll take my time.

Maybe not get anywhere.
Except the future.

phones on a beige table

our phones are on a beige table
next to the salt and pepper
shakers and you're shaking
just a little.

the fabric of your sleeve -
the only sweater you own -
is worn down to threads
from thinking.

somewhere in our stomachs
feelings are pressing hard
and we're throwing up words
long overdue.

with relieved smiles
we wipe away the pieces
of broken hearts and save them
for repair.

holding hands doesn't mean
much under a moonless sky
but we hold tight anyway -
like anchors.

Grey Converse

She has the same grey chucks as you
sometimes when we're walking together
and I'm looking down at my feet
wondering why no matter where I go they look the same
I'll see those shoes walking
beside mine

I get caught up a little when it happens and
look up, but it's not you.
I knew it wasn't.
the hope Prometheus gave me
is rubbish.
and I keep forgetting to take out the garbage.

the funnest thing is there isn't even
a spec of dirt on her shoes.
it haunts me like some sort
of divine sign that I shouldn't
mess her up

so to counter the sadness I trip.
I look far infront of me at all times
and some times I run just to
feel the reckless pounding of my heart.

Cause it's reckless you know,
too stupid to stop because of the pain
always beating to go on.
When I listen is sounds like it's yelling
"go-on, go-on, go-on, go-on"
like constant direction for my
goldfish mind.
when I hold my breath it only yells louder.

while I'm catching my breath
I try to remember why it is my heart's yelling
and I look down and see my feet and remember,
morosely,
heather gray converse with a bit of splashed
green paint on the toe.

Note: I wrote this to counter the sadness given me by a new friend. I'm still functional I swear.

all that's gold

i watch the glitter
in the dead of night
with a wary eye
and the flashing lights
the hands all over
the world is over
your words all over me

we feel
and barely see
so i can't see what to feel
we're moving shore to shore
in a slippery sea
& while i'm standing stone-cold sober
you sway with that smile

in the night
when your world is falling
in the morning
when the floor stops moving
i'll always be the rock

metal crane

There's a crane outside my window
every time it moves I look up
and think of all the things that
are bigger than me.

There is a dome outside my window
the largest building on my horizon
not the only one where people suffered
and died.

there are people and trees and
the sky out my window,
things so much bigger than me.

It's a wonder I get out of bed some times
just to look and see.

There are things I begin to think
and loath and regret
because i'm so much smaller than everything.
There is life outside and the world is here
for me, but sometimes I feel like
there is nothing to see