A better chance

sometimes I wonder if I looked at that picture
while standing in the exact place where I was in that picture,
that the gods would recreate the moment around me
and I'd be able to turn my head just a fraction of an inch
and tell you how much I appreciate you
I could tell you million instances where I thought
I was near my down fall but my hatred for kept me going
I could tell you about those hard nights when
I missed you until my heart hurt and I cried
and how I started emulating you-before I started to resent you
I would expound on all the times I dreamed you were off at some
war, or protesting, or dead
that one always made me feel a little guilty
I could tell you all about the times where I doubted you
cared for me at all.
the honesty would be exhilarating and eventually
I'd get to telling you about how I think you're looking for success the wrong way
I'd cite articles and police records and old high school transcripts
and tell you what I'd spent nights re imagining your life to look like
and then I'd tell--after all that
That I love you, and that I don't think about your future anymore than mine anymore
--it could all be a mistake but then there will be a better chance

Drowned for the night

my heart stutters a bit every time the cool night air hits my face
you think I'd be used to it by now.
but here we are out in the excited night air
puffing away talking of the regrets we'll always have later,
of the regrets we are all too sure we'll never have

we talk about friends and life and family
mostly the things that we're not proud of
and couldn't help anyway
and sometimes there are pauses
where there's the troubled pattern of feet
because of the uneven slates of sidewalk
raised up by the protest of tree roots

I think the park looks questionable,
but who would attach two college kids trespassing and playing tetherball?
It's not long before I declare your unfair advantage of height
and the game becomes a thinking tool
as i watch. we're talking about commitment
oh, that again

the room isn't moving, that's just how the room
thinks it wants to move when it gets uncomfortable
from my staring,
but when you;re on your back and your eyes won't close
you don't have much choice so you look
and you talk

you say things, quietly at first and then more so
and then you feel the warmness and
sometimes the feeling dissipates
and then the cool night air hits your face again
and it all comes rushing back
and you're drowned,
drowned for the night.

rAPIST & rEAL

on a monday i dreamed up a rapist
while my head was low and clear
and the string that runs through rapist and real is that of what i hear--

i was degraded in my mind

as he took me from behind

all i had were these ears

while the darkness called me blind

he came in

he came in

he came in

then out he went

then out he went

i recall his footsteps as pain on the way

and as pain leaving me after having its way

his voice was the sentence of my demise

the foretold evil of day.

back to the real as i sit here dreaming

a new man sits in my head

but still i hear footsteps

my heart fills full-dread

"Father you share the footsteps of a rapist"

and when you call my name i hear pain calling

my cries as a raging sea

for in my heart and in my ears. . .

you're the man that raped me

JW,

My only wish is for one to be here and witness the sincerity of these words....

Biting that hand
that one that feeds you
clothes you, shelters you, disilkes you......discomforts you........hurts you
biting it is only natural
not pleasing
the will to stroke a gal's breast is natural
not pleasing in circumstance
the hand is a flowing vein of food and drink and poison
shall i stay and be nurtured by this acceptable food?
shall i run and be saved from this poison?
will the hand of another feed me?
will the hand of another poison me?
and here sits a lost young man
asking questions to the air
can detest be in the same body as love and care?

caution pt.2

act 1
isn’t it strange ending up here?
never planned on seeing her again
but after liquor the night goes quicker
and we’re all friends again

act 2
i’m an atom bomb baby
so give me everything
tell me your favorite things
and promise to not let go
i’m a cyclone so hit me
with all that you have
i’ll do my best to keep up
if you never let me fall

act 3
snow falls on my cotton skin
and ash is burning on my wrist
tongue heavied by hesitant words
twisting fabric with my fingertips
they coax me to admit
my stomach twists with a kick
i got achy bones that feel too old
just a lonely kid
warm and flushed and ever in love

act 4
it’s a long night from here on out
i’m looking past the lights
at the stoic kid standing and watching
wondering how he got so tall

act 5
come back to earth in the car
suddenly instructing again
holding a bag in her lap
blonde hair held back for safety’s sake
back to the caution
back to the battles
brain asking if the words were true
heart knowing that they were

caution pt.1

i found a good, thick string,
heavy and loyal,
so i can keep the words you say to me.
i wear them round my neck
like a talisman,
close to the beat of my heart
and stutter of my pulse.
when i feel the tug,
it’s a warning, a shield -
your shoulder and strength
when i must be sure.