Something

I just really want it all to mean something,
but it doesn't. not all of it means something.
some of it is just a chemical released in the brain in a moment
and not even the warmth in the pit of your stomach can stop it
and even the words that you write can't mock it.
it's like a fire burning in your heart,
and there's blood dripping out your ear, down your face to cool it
so it starts working properly and then it starts working differently
and then you start having difficulties learning how things have changed
then an earthquake starts in your brain and you pray for the first time,
once again, that things can just go back and be the same even though when they were different
you felt so much more alive than you could back then

like 'like' you

I suppose being curious isn't enough
but if I just kept hanging around
do you think I could get my point across?

The fact that you want to know
--that you ask
that's enough to get my attention any day

and I suppose my ambiguousness
is enough to capture yours

but lets not get ahead of ourselves
and lets watch it all unfold here infront of us.

there's an insufferable clutter in my mind
and i'm shutting the door before any more leaks in
so i'm sorry to be rude but
i'm gonna have to ask a few to leave.
kings and kingdoms, the most scholarly of souls
can anyone explain to me the most murky of depths?
houston has a problem and it's not in outer space
it's in my heart, my only human heart
i'm thinking it's my nature but i know it can't be right
and at the gate of higher calling, can i walk in
without you at my side?

selective memories

My mind is bleeding vivid thoughts of what I should have done
you can't see the blood but I can in my dreams:

the stage is set, ready for the changes to become part of the performance
only there's only one audience member and no one will remember it this way
or hear about it, or see it any way.

Action. tons of actions, things you've never done but always wanted to
things that would have made this current path easier, less decisive as to who you'll become
but I've already decided and that's something hard to take back.

I'm watching it all as I sleep
in my dreams.

one drop of pure crimson regret after another
gliding gracefully down past my eyes off the tip of my noise
disappearing before it hits my collegiate bed sheets as I slumber.

and my mind is riveted by the burden disappearing, altering my past forever
I'll remember it better next time I'll remember it this way, where I ask all the questions
I thought but didn't say
Do all those crazy things, feel the adrenaline I put into papers and thinking into movement of my body
give some of myself the way others could
not harbor this fear I still have

Slowly night by night when I redream the past and change it forever, my fear dissipates
and when I wake and see the blood that no one else can upon my pillow
sometimes I am afraid and I try to collect it
but, its gone.

someone that works

there are things I want to say to you, things I want to ask
like how your day went and how you felt when you woke up and I was still with you,
or what the ground smelled like as you walked to your car & it was raining.
there are gestures I feel like making, time I want to give,
like walking in the cold to bring you a jacket, or riding my bike to your car
so you don’t have to walk home alone.

are all these thoughts just wasted space?
I’d do it in a heartbeat and you know that.
the thought counts but my body aches
knowing that I can’t rightly do it.

there's another realm in which I have to live,
one I attempt to reconcile with this.
but nothing can change the fact that when
you really know someone, you memorize
the way their fingers curl around yours.
his palm is too big, his hands are too rough,
and I don't understand why I can't find you
in someone else.