selective memories

My mind is bleeding vivid thoughts of what I should have done
you can't see the blood but I can in my dreams:

the stage is set, ready for the changes to become part of the performance
only there's only one audience member and no one will remember it this way
or hear about it, or see it any way.

Action. tons of actions, things you've never done but always wanted to
things that would have made this current path easier, less decisive as to who you'll become
but I've already decided and that's something hard to take back.

I'm watching it all as I sleep
in my dreams.

one drop of pure crimson regret after another
gliding gracefully down past my eyes off the tip of my noise
disappearing before it hits my collegiate bed sheets as I slumber.

and my mind is riveted by the burden disappearing, altering my past forever
I'll remember it better next time I'll remember it this way, where I ask all the questions
I thought but didn't say
Do all those crazy things, feel the adrenaline I put into papers and thinking into movement of my body
give some of myself the way others could
not harbor this fear I still have

Slowly night by night when I redream the past and change it forever, my fear dissipates
and when I wake and see the blood that no one else can upon my pillow
sometimes I am afraid and I try to collect it
but, its gone.